Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Haters Guide to the ACC

The RFH Collective welcomes Ed (my housemate who for understandable reasons doesn't want his last name associated with this article). Ed's passion for all things college football, his already chronicled culinary mastery, and his penchant for saying (and in this case writing) the most inappropriate things on his mind makes him the perfect candidate for writing a haters guide to a major college football conference. I think we might have a new series folks....next up will be a haters guide to either Mateen Cleaves or Kobe.

As an SEC fan that went to an SEC school I naturally think that the SEC has the best talent, match-ups, tailgates, and sorority girl perv cam shots (Seriously, watch the Iron Bowl without your jaw dropping and I’ll give you a shiny nickel) in all of college football. There are teams/conferences that turn my head like the Pac-10 and TCU, but every year there is a conference so over-hyped that I must hate on: the ACC. Every year the preseason rankings come out and every year there are the same east-coast bias reporters talking about how “good” some ACC teams will be this year only to have them be mediocre and go to some random bowl where they get walloped. Without further adieu fellow haters, here is the list:
Georgia Tech:
Preseason ranking: #16, Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
Here’s Georgia Tech’s offense in a nutshell: Triple Option, and by nutshell I mean that’s literally all they run. Here’s the kicker though, IT ACTUALLY WORKS IN THE ACC. Unfortunately, it didn’t work against Air Force. Yes that’s right, Air Force cadets who are typically small in order to fit in A-10s, F-16s, AC-130s, and other great machines of ass kickery held Georgia Tech to 7 points and won.
How does your ass feel GT?

Duke
Preseason ranking: Un-ranked , Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
Good lord this team sucks. I just watch their games because I hate their basketball team so god damn much. It would be like if the Yankees had a basketball team you could hate on. I was treated to an extra dose of Duke butt hurt when Coach K came to the game and was all pissy on camera because the Alabama was “running the score up”. No Coach K, they aren’t running the score up, that’s just the SEC raping you like a drunk stripper (a subject Duke is very familiar with).  
$10 says he’s just as awkward as all Duke students.
Miami
Preseason ranking: #13, Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
Don’t get me wrong here: I love me some of that U, but a mighty fall from grace has been this team’s story since OSU cheated their way into a national championship. There are only two football programs to house the likes Michael Irvin and Jimmy Johnson at the same time along with the subsequent alimony suits and both of them are facing hard times so I’ll keep the hate to a minimum. Jacory Harris is the biggest choke artist ever, but by god can he rock some overalls and a snap back.
Swag.
Randy Shannon got the boot so Dade County recruits probably won’t be getting “meal money” from Uncle Luke, thus Miami will have their recruits plucked by FSU, Florida, and Howard Schnellenberger.
 
Say no to this man I dare you.
Florida State
Preseason ranking: #20, Postseason ranking: #17
Another team reminding me of how great the 90’s were and how much the 2000’s suck is FSU. A team that has a coach named Jimbo and many bowl victories is expected to be in the SEC, but FSU however stays in the ACC in order to take BCS bids away from other mediocre ACC teams like Virginia Tech and North Carolina. Recently they have given me some enjoyable games to watch, but they still play a seemingly patty cake schedule with in-conference play being inflated by the generous rankings the ACC gets. Their only real challenges this year will be Florida and OU, which are also storied programs that have seen better days. I don’t have much hate for Bobby Bowden, since he embodies the Southern football coach that I’m sure John Voight studied for his role in Varsity Blues.
Guess which one is Bowden. (Hint: It’s both)
Wake Forrest
Preseason ranking: Un-ranked, Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
They had this done to them by an FBS team and went 3-9. That is all.
Stanford showing another ACC team who’s boss.
Maryland
Preseason ranking: Un-ranked, Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
Maryland is one of those football teams you don’t give a shit about until they enter a random bowl and you’re like “Maryland has a football team?” Although they have sweet ass Under Armour commercials and their old coach is almost as much of a fat ass as Mark Mangini, I still can’t hate on them because they really have nothing to hate on. They’re like Baylor, Northwestern, or Washington: Sub-par teams that crank out some NFL players and don’t grab any media attention.
Apparently all Maryland does is crab cakes sans football.  
Boston College
Preseason ranking: Un-ranked, Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
Another team that I cannot hate on too much is BC. A pretty good team that makes for some good bowl games and manly tears were shed for Mark Herzlich’s amazing story of beating cancer and pummeling running backs the very next year like a boss. BC also ruins the shit out of Notre Dame’s facilities and fields when they visit South Bend (side note: Holy War has to be the most epic rivalry game moniker ever.) My only hate for BC is their pompous “academic standards” that don’t allow top talent to go there, but the players their are the ones not smart enough to get into ND or even stay at BC. They have the worst of both worlds (academic standards vs. top talent recruitment).
Doug Flutie is the most unhateable man ever.
North Carolina
Preseason ranking: #18, Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
Butch Davis and crew could field an amazing team if any of their players were eligible. North Carolina was the most talked about team this year when reporters got tired about talking about how ball crushingly awesome the SEC was this year. I know they beat Tennessee in the most choketastic bowl game ever. Plus Tennessee was terrible this year and they still almost won. They started out strong against LSU, losing only by 6 in a hard fought game. UNC was so underwhelming this year and without any major out of conference games (ECU, Rutgers, William & Mary) all of which they barely outscored their opponents. Hell, Duke even got 19 points on them. They even lost Johnny White to the the draft which will leave a huge hole in their running depth chart. My prediction for this season will be a mediocre season where announcers will excuse their loses on the fact that Butch Davis sucks at cheating.
“You can go to the agent’s party in Miami after I pay someone to write your paper.”
North Carolina State
Preseason ranking: Un-ranked, Postseason ranking: #25
I know you’re saying to yourself, “Why hate on this team, they did well for themselves this year.” And I agree with you. This team did very well in the ACC last year and that’s my point. They’re not that good. Name me one player from the Wolfpack with out Googling it. SEE! That’s what I mean. Do Russell Wilson, Mustafa Greene, or Owen Wilson ring a bell? Me neither and that’s why it’s great that NCSU did work in the ACC while also sounding like a crime drama on CBS. You could even drop a line for Nate Irving and get nothing because nobody gives a shit about NCSU and they still made work of UNC, FSU, and BC.
Not pictured: Chuck Amato’s bright red shoes and man tits.
Clemson
Preseason ranking: Un-ranked, Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
For the record, I do not hate Clemson. I actually love them. If the SEC expanded, I’d love to have Clemson as a part of the family of great college football. They have a great fan base/stadium (Death Valley = Swag), NFL grade talent, and an entrance that blows my brain with it’s awesomeness My only disappointment with them is that their seasons are very underwhelming. When they opened with a great game against the to-be national champs, Auburn, I though this was going to be Clemson’s year. Clemson was hardly hyped, but had a senior class that made NFL agents salivate. They just couldn’t make it happen on offense with the young Kyle Parker fizzling out after expectations were high. So don’t hate Clemson for being in the ACC, hate them for being not living up to their real potential.
Da’Quan’s thoughts: Heisman? More like my bitch for 60 minutes.
Virginia
Preseason ranking: Un-ranked, Postseason ranking: Un-ranked
Do I really need to do this? Blah blah blah Howie Long’s son blah blah blah. This team sucks. They got their shit kicked in by Duke.
This is a better mascot for divine design....not football
Virginia Tech
Preseason ranking: #10, Postseason ranking: #16
I left this team for last because I believe they should be hated the most because of only one reason: OVERRATED. Are the Hokies good? Yes. What is a Hokie you ask? Some sort of purple turkey, I don’t know. Why don’t they just call it a turkey? I’ll answer that with another question: Do you want to play for the VT Turkies? Me neither, that’s what I thought. Back to the matter of haterade; VT opened their season with another overrated opponent: Boise State and lost a hard fought game. They went on to lose to James Madison in a victory that I choose to watch the highlights in a darkened room alone (it means I was cranking one out). But now you say, “Hey they won every game after that.” Yes they did win every game against unranked/overrated opponents and NC State was one of those “ranked opponents”. Since the ACC gets an automatic BCS bid and with Miami choking harder than the US Women’s Soccer Team and FSU losing to VT, the Hokies got a bid to play Stanford in the Orange Bowl. Stanford really had their breakout year with a badass coach, a fearless quarterback, and a linebacker that’s also a fullback. The subsequent face rape that occurred that night in Miami was enough to show all of the Virginia Tech boosters that they just don’t match up with top tier programs from more competitive conferences.
Actual face rape in progress.
So VT may have an easy time with their non-conference schedule of ECU, Arkansas Tech, Appalachian State, and Marshall, but when bowl time comes they will find themselves mismatched once again and we the haters must be there to shower them with our sweet haterade.

6 comments:

John Hendrie said...

Ed - Your level of hate is impressive. As someone who is often driven by irrational hate, for better or worse, I feel your pain and frustration.

Who do you have as the top-notch SEC team this season? 'Bama?

Ed said...

Bama is for sure bringing the pain, but with the current memorabilia for suits scandal we may see some sanctions next year so I won't say dynasty. The Hogs are looking at a good season with some sophomores and juniors looking to prove themselves: seniority isn't everything. LSU will crush in the west as well. The east is looking pretty shabby though. Florida fizzled like whoa and SC came up short in what was supposed to be their year. UK is making moves upward and Tennessee is headed in the opposite direction. But I think we all can agree "anybody but Chiiiiiizik" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7TxIMAwc1k

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