Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Q&A with Howard Schnellenberger

After spewing some serious hate in his last post about the ACC, guest contributor Ed is back in action with a different twist. Here at the Collective, we cherish eclectic mixes of fact, opinion, and weirdness. This "interview" with legendary coach Howard Schnellenberger puts a capital E in eclectic.

A Q&A with Howard Schnellenberger
Howard Schnellenberger is the current coach of Florida Atlantic University, but is known for his role as the head coach of Miami University that brought them to glory. He also coached under legends like Bear Bryant and Don Shula. He was kind enough to take aside time from entering games in helicopters (read the entire article, it will melt your face) and wearing pimp ass suits every game to give me a Q&A session about all things football.

Q: Turning a program from obscurity to bowl eligible must be a daunting task and you’ve done it with two different programs. How do you do it?

Howard: First off you must have a solid routine. Every morning I make myself a good breakfast steak, the most important steak of the day, then I watch the entire Rambo series to pump myself up. After that it’s on to practice where we uppercut lions and run sprints through active minefields. You know the usual football stuff.

What looks like a break during practice is actually lunges on broken glass.

Q: Sounds intense. FAU is a new program so I understand filling the seats has been a problem. How are you planning to get a fan base that can boost morale and intimidate visitors.

Howard: Every year I pull a firetruck across campus to the stadium with my manhood and we seem to sell out season tickets at every sorority house and women’s dorm.

Coach Schnelleberger got back at his prankster players by bringing their beloved childhood pets back to life only to choke them to death in front of their eyes.

Q: Speaking of stadiums, the Owls will have a new home this October. Do you think this will put FAU on the map?

Howard: Definitely. The new stadium was a huge surprise for me. There I was on my typical Friday night, in the middle of a field eating a panther in front of its young and lo and behold a construction crew just started building a stadium around me.

Q: I’ve seen that you have recently made yourself a facebook page. Has this helped your image among recruits as well as gained a following for the program?

Howard: I’ve actually had some trouble with recruiting seeing as how every time I add a recruit their girlfriend leaves them and tries to friend me.

Q: Jim Tressel and Pete Carrol have seen the demise of their programs from illegal recruiting practices. You were a clean recruiter that brought in amazing squads from Dade County without offering improper benefits. How can you make it happen again at FAU when play for pay seems all too common?

Howard: I used to leave my pipe at recruits homes so I would have an excuse to come back, but I have to changed my ruse over the years. Now I just wink at the recruits mother and leave a quarter on her lap. I’ve been called back 4 times today by one recruit.

Q:  Let’s talk NFL, there has been a problem among Southern football players drinking codeine laced cough syrup. How do you make sure your players stay clean and eligible?

Howard: In my opinion a man should drink only two things: scotch and the blood of your enemies. If you mix the two together you’ve got yourself a Highlander.

Q: The arrest of Plaxico Burress has raised awareness about the gun culture among NFL players. Although proponents of gun ownership have said that the players need to be able to protect themselves, many gun control advocates say that these players are setting a bad example. What’s your take on this issue?

Howard: I think all a man needs to protect himself is his fists and what else God gave him. I once choked out a Siberian tiger with my massive meat javelin just to settle a bet. Unfortunately I’m not allowed back to the Mirage Hotel and Casino.

Q: One last question before you go: Mariners manager Eric Wedge shaved his mustache in hopes that his team will see better days. Would you consider shaving the ‘stache during a win-less slump?

Howard: I only shaved the old flavor saver once and the Nasdaq plummeted, thousands of women committed suicide, and my own wife had hysterical blindness. Thankfully it grew back the next day, but in order to prevent tragedy I plan on keeping the tickler.

Q: Well coach that’s it for the interview. Thank you for joining us today and I hope the season goes well in the new stadium.

Howard: Not a problem. Sorry I have to go so soon. The bear cubs I’ve been nursing back to health with my man milk must be hungry.

Looking at this picture for more than 5 seconds will make you pregnant.


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